Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.