Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.