FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”