when nothing goes right… go left
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane