The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Pizza is an emotion right?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero