me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow