I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?