Natural selection at its finest
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave