That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.