Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
what could possibly go wrong?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand