Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.