life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
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Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!