Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
my name if I was in the mob
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees