My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.