Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
groan^2
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition