Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*