Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
You Might Also Like
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
How to woo a woman
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.