I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
You Might Also Like
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
dream blunt rotation
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.