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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine