Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I hate how websites force you to prove you鈥檙e not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
How badly am I doing? I鈥檓 considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn鈥檛 overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 馃き
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You鈥檙e heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren鈥檛 we supposed to eat fish?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.