To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro