[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
You Might Also Like
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running