Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors