I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.