When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Happy Star Wars day!
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Every work call, he judges.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now