So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Not today
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no