I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene