taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Animal poetry
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost