THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?