Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
You Might Also Like
Ape together strong
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Software Development ⛵️
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.