[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip