When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no