I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
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“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Legend 🤣🤣
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Cause of death: Zumba
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face