them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.