“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.