For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
not for long
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.