I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
You Might Also Like
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Who knew!
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.