How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Welcome to the stomach
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Planet of the Apps.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”