him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
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Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Need WebMD
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!