Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.