[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.