Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.