train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.