People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are