If you love someone, let them tweet.
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
This is my bus stop.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.