…..pretty much.
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke