Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
You Might Also Like
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
bout dat hot dog summer
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Happens to everyone.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel