Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal