crazy
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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.