PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
shampoo implies shampee
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
an octopus is just a wet spider
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.